Last Night Of Country

As I type this out I’m sitting out in the fresh air, getting a final enjoyment of this perfect lake view. I’m leaving the puppies tonight, but I’m still here in the piece of Michigan country that I’m at. I’m going to have a girls’ night with my momma, then head home at some point tomorrow. It seems the sunshine has finally returned today though, after a couple of cold and gloomy days. It’s rather nice to sit outside at the moment, it’s a little windy, but not terribly so in my opinion.

There’s a part of me really looking forward to getting back home. I have some things lined up for myself, that I’ll very likely share in the future as they come. I’m also greatly looking forward to getting back to that ½ mile path I walk along to get in a mile walk. Oh yes, I definitely plan to get back into full swing on that right away. Especially as while I have been doing some walking, I haven’t been doing my mile a day that I had started. Then again, as I’ve shared I think I find more comfort then I realized on that secluded path. Even with other walkers, or bikers or even a runner taking it as well. It’s a great place to go to collect my thoughts, clear my head and get in some exercise while enjoying fresh air.

I’m going to miss certain parts as I always do about this area. Naturally the beautiful lake and the peacefulness you just don’t find in the suburbs and city neighborhoods. I’ll even miss getting to ‘harass’ one of my older brothers. Oh the joys of being the baby sister. LOL! Mostly though, I’m going to miss the extra time with my mom. I know we have the phone and we’ll see each other as soon as we can again, but I’m still going to miss her very much.

Well not to cut this extra short, but it’s getting a little extra windy now and I think these puppies are ready to head back inside. Plus I need to quickly finish my packing and get out of here shortly to head to my mom. Hope you all are having a wonderful weekend!

--XOXO, Jane

My 14 Year Old Self

Flipping through the channels earlier I landed on the Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet. I had never seen the show before, but I must say it definitely caught my attention. One thing that really stood out from the episode was a question she asked each of her guests towards the end. What would you tell your fourteen year old self? I actually found myself sitting there and contemplating an answer to the question as I half-listened to the celebrities answer.

At fourteen, I was in a much different place then I am now. Okay, maybe that’s a natural occurrence given I’m in my late twenties now. However back when I was fourteen I was in the thick of a very depressive state of being. I either hid in my room blare the Spice Girls, Marilyn Manson or some other musical act, whose music I was mildly obsessed with at the time. I secretly hurt myself, because I hated myself. I felt worthless and needless to continue, it just wasn’t a good time in my life. There’s much more I could easily divulge about my past mistakes, trials and errors. I’m on a path of being a much more positive person and more of my depression tales will come in time. It’s just this question that has me thinking today. What would I tell my fourteen year old self?

I’ve been contemplating this pretty much all day. I find myself pausing as I just stare out the big picture window that faces the lake. It’s a gloomy day today, with rain and dark clouds filling the sky. The lake still seems to mesmerize me and yet today it doesn’t distract me. Today I stay focused as I really consider what I would tell my fourteen year old self if I could. My answer… would probably be that it’s okay to love myself. That it’s okay to take a stand and not worry about what others think. That I needed not to hurt myself, in order to learn some of the lessons I have learned. I’m not worthless and it’s not a crime to take the time to learn myself. I should be more brave, but if I have a nervous moment that’s not shameful. I also probably would have counseled myself on my health and told myself not to pick up that first cigarette.

With that said, there is a part of me that wonders if I really would talk to my fourteen year old self given the chance. I am who I am now, because of the things I have gone through. My life was not perfect, but it wasn’t the worst kind of life a girl could have either. I have battled depression and anxiety and it’s not fun to do. I must say again though, more tales of that to come in the future. For now I’m just contemplating would it be worth telling my fourteen year old self all that and maybe more? Or would I miss the opportunity to change my path, so I could still end up the person I am today?

--XOXO, Jane