Friday, May 4, 2012

Can't Sleep Blues

Perhaps I’m extremely weird, but whenever I have a night where I can’t sleep I always think of an episode of The Simpsons where it flashes back to Bart being little. I think it was an episode focused on Lisa’s birth story. It’s been awhile since I’ve seen the episode. In it though, the one thing that always comes to mind when I can’t sleep is when toddler Bart is having trouble sleeping in the clown bed. He’s absolutely terrified rocking back and forth and repeating, “Can’t sleep, clown will eat me.” Now while I don’t have a fear of clowns or them eating me by any means, that scene just happens to pretty much always pop into my head on a night like tonight.

Here it is after 3:00AM and I feel practically wide awake. Naturally this has to happen after spending a good portion of my day with a drowsiness feeling. Maybe it’s my subconscious playing with me, as I know I’m having difficulty relaxing due to my building anxiety about tomorrow. Or well…later today as it were. See I’m going to my new doctor for the second time to get a physical done. I know it seems silly to be worked up about getting something so routine done, but it’s been a handful of years (over six at least) since I’ve had one done. Unfortunately (as embarrassing as it is to admit) there are some bonus routine tests this time around for me, that do seem to just add to anxiousness.

Most women get certain kinds of tests done at least a few times by my age. I went a number of years without insurance and even longer without a doctor bringing it up to me. The first time it was brought up I was too young to worry about it, but now here I am going for it when most women my age have already done this. All logic tells me is that I’ll be fine. It’s all routine stuff and I kind of know what to expect thanks to conversations with some ladies in my life. Nonetheless though, nerves are in place and I’m just awake dreading it. I tell myself though, it’s important. I need to do this. I need to get all these routine tests done like I needed to get the blood work done.

Good health is important, regardless if you are a woman or man. I come from a family with a long list of bad stuff in the medical history department. I know this could come off wrong, but I just don’t want to end up having to deal and go through some of the things I’ve witnessed my loved ones suffer through. That alone keeps me feeling brave enough to actually show up for my appointment. I want to make sure my health is okay and I want to get myself healthier. I know it’s important to take care of myself and stop neglecting my health like I did for a number of years. No longer do I choose to live in the dark with the thought “what I don’t know can’t hurt me” in regards to my health.

No matter the worries of what could be found. No matter the anxieties of having to undergo medical tests (even just the basic stuff). No matter how much I would love to say I’m “too sick to go to the doctor” - I know I need to do this. I know it’s important. I feel it’s the first step for me in really take a stand for my health. It’s just one uncomfortable moment that will pass in a matter of minutes. In the long run I know I’ll be thankful I did it, regardless of the outcome. Sure I stress and worry that something will be found wrong with me, but I don’t feel ill or anything, so I’m not too worried of it. I just got to keep reminding myself I’m okay and I can get through this.

--XOXO, Jane