My 14 Year Old Self

Flipping through the channels earlier I landed on the Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet. I had never seen the show before, but I must say it definitely caught my attention. One thing that really stood out from the episode was a question she asked each of her guests towards the end. What would you tell your fourteen year old self? I actually found myself sitting there and contemplating an answer to the question as I half-listened to the celebrities answer.

At fourteen, I was in a much different place then I am now. Okay, maybe that’s a natural occurrence given I’m in my late twenties now. However back when I was fourteen I was in the thick of a very depressive state of being. I either hid in my room blare the Spice Girls, Marilyn Manson or some other musical act, whose music I was mildly obsessed with at the time. I secretly hurt myself, because I hated myself. I felt worthless and needless to continue, it just wasn’t a good time in my life. There’s much more I could easily divulge about my past mistakes, trials and errors. I’m on a path of being a much more positive person and more of my depression tales will come in time. It’s just this question that has me thinking today. What would I tell my fourteen year old self?

I’ve been contemplating this pretty much all day. I find myself pausing as I just stare out the big picture window that faces the lake. It’s a gloomy day today, with rain and dark clouds filling the sky. The lake still seems to mesmerize me and yet today it doesn’t distract me. Today I stay focused as I really consider what I would tell my fourteen year old self if I could. My answer… would probably be that it’s okay to love myself. That it’s okay to take a stand and not worry about what others think. That I needed not to hurt myself, in order to learn some of the lessons I have learned. I’m not worthless and it’s not a crime to take the time to learn myself. I should be more brave, but if I have a nervous moment that’s not shameful. I also probably would have counseled myself on my health and told myself not to pick up that first cigarette.

With that said, there is a part of me that wonders if I really would talk to my fourteen year old self given the chance. I am who I am now, because of the things I have gone through. My life was not perfect, but it wasn’t the worst kind of life a girl could have either. I have battled depression and anxiety and it’s not fun to do. I must say again though, more tales of that to come in the future. For now I’m just contemplating would it be worth telling my fourteen year old self all that and maybe more? Or would I miss the opportunity to change my path, so I could still end up the person I am today?

--XOXO, Jane

Happy Memorial Day

Today is a day of remembrance. It’s not just BBQ’s and having fun in the sun. It’s a day for Americans to hold our heads up high and be thankful. Thankful to all of the men and women who have served (and currently serve) our great country! I could sit here and list all the family, friends and acquaintances I know who have and still serve. I just don’t feel that would be enough. My gratitude for my freedom, my safety and my rights as an American goes out to each and every single man and woman who have (and currently serve). These are such small words, but I mean them for all of you who have and still the United States with every fiber in my being; Thank you.

So this post is short tonight, but I’m following this with a moment of silence out of respect to all the fallen soldiers. I ask that you (fellow Americans) please do the same.

--XOXO, Jane Ridgewood

Random Rambling

I am completely captivated with the lake view I have today. Although, I must confess it’s quite distracting. Too many times I’ve sat down ready to write up a post for the blog and poof, all thoughts go out the window as my eyes rise up over the laptop and stare out the window. I swear it seems the water just glitters beneath the sunlight. It’s truly lovely. I am now officially house and dog sitting for friends (as mentioned in a previous post). Spending my week with the sweetest puppies (a Yorkshire terrier and a Pomeranian) as I enjoy the spoils of such pretty views. If not for the heat wave Michigan, or at least this part of the state is going through I would probably be tempted to dive into the lake. Now that probably sounds odd given most people love being in the water on a hot day, but I had a heatstroke when I was seventeen, so for me there is such thing as too hot! All I can say is thank goodness for air-conditioning on these kinds of days!

Today I am planning on getting more work done with the touch ups to the blog layout. I do have colors picked out, but I am tweaking and testing on a top secret account. ;) Going to make sure I’m completely satisfied with it, before I just up and put it in place. I’m also going to check out my account with the company I use for my domain name, to try and link it together better with here. I often find that just putting in janeridgewood.net does not have an RSS feed attached. I need to figure out how to fix this. I also need to conquer this Pinterest site that seems to have so many people excited. LOL! I did sign up to get my invitation and received it, I just haven’t had a moment to sign up and take a closer look just yet.

Working on design stuff for my sites though, definitely have me feeling quite excited for college days ahead. Nope, I’m not a current student and I never made it to college. Heck I confess that I dropped out of high school. Here I am though at 27 years old facing my past mistake and moving forward in life. I am going to be working on getting my GED in the very near future, then onto college education. In college I want to study web and graphic design. Now that’s not to take away from my aspirations as a writer, but I don’t see any harm in having a backup plan or even getting a steady career going for myself while I continue to pursue writing. Writing is my number one passion and I definitely want to take classes to improve my skill, but here again – I just don’t see harm in having a backup plan in case things don’t work out quite as I hope them to.

Alright, now in an attempt to wrap this post I’m going to make a confession. I have been a bad girl and haven’t been going for walks since I’ve been out in the country. It seems I miss the trail I was taking. I’m looking forward to getting home and being able to take it again. As I’ve come to realize with myself that I just don’t like going for a walk in a neighborhood. I like the seclusion and peacefulness the path I take provides. Now it’s not like I’ve just been sitting on my butt doing nothing since being away from home. I just haven’t been going for the mile walk or some sort of obvious workout. In all fairness, there is a heat wave (or feels that way) going through as I’ve already mentioned.

Okay so this post was kind of just some rambles squished together, but there you have it. LOL! Now I am off to get some things done, and then guzzle my coffee while I further work on design stuff. Hope you all are having a wonderful weekend!

--XOXO, Jane

Time To Brainstorm Again

There’s always a different feeling when you use someone else’s computer. The screen is different, the keyboard. Just everything about it feels different and almost weird. Or maybe that’s just me. Presently, as the wireless connection is not quite hooked up with my laptop yet I am using my mom’s computer for the moment. It’s weird not having my files right on hand. Weird not sitting where or how I normally do with my laptop when I write anything. However it is actually kind of nice though. I mean, aside from feeling grateful to be able to peek online at certain things and get a new post written up. I’m also finding it nice in regards to being able to peek at my layouts.

Yes I know it wasn’t that long ago I redid my whole color scheme between this site, as well as my Facebook and Twitter pages. It’s just that now that I’m really looking at the differences of appearances between my own screen and someone else’s, I’m seeing a lot that could be touched up better. I’m also seeing that my color scheme doesn’t appear quite the same on my mom’s computer as it does my own. So it gets me to wonder how does it look for other people as well? I’m definitely going to be working in the very near future to conceive a better scheme. Don’t get me wrong; I know my blog isn’t about design. It’s about my life and sharing some of my writing work on here. It’s probably not expected of me to have some wonderful layout, but I want one anyways. I want a good easy on the eyes, easy to maneuver (in case a visitor isn’t the most web-savvy) kind of layout.

I guess in short this means I’m going back to the drawing board. I have some brainstorming to do on how I want things set up, as well as how I want them to look across the board. I’m also working on tag categories, as I’ve noticed a lot of blogs tend to use them and I probably should follow suit with that concept. Maybe it’ll add better convenience for readers to surf around here if I add them. I’m also going to be working on updating my ‘about’ page better as well. I’ve been a little distracted from it since I last went to update it. More in store for sure, but in the meantime I shall continue to post on here as frequently as I can. Just don’t be too surprised when you start seeing some layout changes taking place. ;)

--XOXO, Jane

Because I Got Erased

Okay…the lawn care guys have totally erased me. I had it all set out during my walk on what I was going to talk about on the blog today. I came in, hopped in the shower and got dressed knowing how I was going to write it all out. It wasn’t going to be about my walk again, but the topic is now erased. As when I sat down with my coffee and got ready to type they startled me with the sudden loud noises of the riding lawnmower and weed whackers they use. Whatever it was, hopefully it’ll come back to me. If not, guess it just wasn’t meant to be discussed on my blog. Sigh. The joys of living in a rental property…all well, at least I don’t have to do the yard work here! That’s a big positive to the situation right there for me. LOL!

Now while other days I might sit back and try to ponder it out before I attempted to type, today I’m just going to share that I’m taking off out of town again. I will have internet access, so yes I will be continuing work on keeping up with the blog. I’m heading on out to the country side of things though for roughly a couple weeks. Maybe not quite so long, but we shall see. I’m going to be doing some house/dog sitting for friends and fortunately for me the opportunity to head out early arose. So I’m going to be getting in some extra days out of town to spend with my beautiful mommy. I’m so excited to be seeing her later today. Greatly looking forward to being able to wrap my arms around her for a big hug!

Those are the basic plans for the day. Well, I have my friend Melly Belly (as I like to call her) coming over to hang out for a little bit this morning, while I pack up for the time away. So as soon as I finish this up and check my e-mail once more, I’ll get started on all that. I’ll definitely have to be sure to keep up with my new routine of walking every morning. I know once the dog sitting begins, I’ll be going for at least a couple walks a day with the cute little puppies that’ll be in my care. It’s those extra days around all that though that I’ll need to continue to push myself to get up and go for that walk.

--XOXO, Jane

Missed Rabbit Opportunity

I took another mile walk this morning. I feel good. Well, there’s a slight cramp in my right calf, but aside from that I feel really good! I learned something again this morning. I learned I should never again leave home for a walk without my camera! Leaving it home was a last minute decision before I stepped outside to go for my walk. I thought to myself, it was likely a little too gloomy on the path perhaps to find good nature shots. We had some storms last night and rain throughout the early morning hours. Plus, my walk is more for me to get healthy and enjoy the alone time verses snapping off at the camera. So I left it home and boy do I wish I hadn’t!

Not even half way from my house to the path I took, I spotted a rabbit in some random yard. I paused; I spoke soft to it and just adored it from a few steps away. The rabbit didn’t run away like they usually do, oh no instead it stayed in place and watched me. I swear I could almost picture it having a carrot in its mouth and going, “What’s up doc?”. It didn’t even run away as I began to move again to continue to head off towards the path. I silently had to curse myself of course for deciding not to bring my camera along. It was one of those times where I debated backtracking to the house, but what would be the odds that the rabbit would still be there when I got back? I tried to reason that with myself as I quietly commiserated upon entering the path.

Once on the path though I was slowly putting it behind me already. Taking in a nice deep breath and letting it out slowly as I just enjoyed the fresh air. That peaceful feel the path really seems to wrap around me as I began my journey down it for the day. I swear though, it was about the time I had fully accepted the fact there’s nothing I could do about the missed opportunity and let it go, did I spot another rabbit up ahead of me. Then possibly even a third rabbit rustled in some bushes – or so I’m hoping that’s what that was! LOL! I couldn’t shake how crazy that was, having seen two rabbits so close. There were two times at that point where I spotted a rabbit. Each time met with enough of an encounter that if I had my camera, I likely would have had enough time to snap a picture. I just sighed after the second one, let it go and continued on my way.

Making it to the end of the path again, felt like a personal accomplishment. I enjoyed greatly that feeling of knowing I had made it to that point. And since the research done yesterday, knowing I had just walked ½ a mile and still was doing good felt great. So now all I had to do was walk back ½ a mile and head home. It was on my way back down the path though, did a Robin swoop down and land right in front of me. Now this was not so much a missed picture opportunity as it took all I had not to scream bloody murder. See…I’m not exactly a fan of birds. I find them beautiful from afar, but up close like that and I’m ready to run crying for my mommy! I didn’t scream though and thankfully the bird flew away pretty fast.

Now overall I did quite enjoy my walk. I still found it peaceful and relaxing, despite my silent commiserating over opting to not bring along my camera and missing the rabbit picture opportunities. LOL! I’m over it (or so I’m pretending) about the missed pictures though. More than anything I am just feeling good about myself for taking the initiative for getting off my butt two days in a row!

--XOXO, Jane