Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Cigarettes Stay Gone!

I woke up today with an old urge. As I lay back in bed trying to adjust my eyes to my own harshness of turning on the lamp beside my bed, I fantasized about having a cigarette. I could feel that old feeling of getting up out of bed, stepping out onto the back porch and perching myself on the top step. Pulling out the cigarette from a pack and pressing it between my lips as I fumbled sleepily with the lighter. I could full on imagine and remember the taste of it as I took that first hit via my morning fantasy. It was better with the second hit. However, after that second hit off the cigarette that I only was imaging quite vividly while still lying in bed, I shook myself back to reality.

As of just this past February it’s been two years since I quit smoking. I unfortunately smoked off and on for ten years of my life. More on then off, but regardless of that I did finally quit cold turkey. No patches, no candies, no electronic cigarettes to aid me through it. It was just a severely sprained right ankle that prevented me from being able to get around. I think I only kept my sanity (for the most part) during nicotine fits early on given I was at a point where I was ready to be done. I didn’t want an addiction controlling me. I wanted more control of my own life and aside from my ‘addiction’ to coffee; I didn’t want to feel some sort of substance had a hold on me.

Really I don’t think the craving will ever fully go away. Sadly, I do know people who quit well over twenty years ago and admit to still craving as well as dreaming about smoking. Oh yes – I do have the occasional surreal dream in which I’m sneaking off somewhere to smoke a cigarette. Or I’m telling myself that just one cigarette one hurt me; dreams that are indeed very lifelike causing me to wake up and actually smell my hair. You know, when your eyes finally open from a surreal dream and you lay there almost dazed questioning, ‘did that just happen for real?’ I always have to roll my eyes when I realize it was just a dream. I’m proud to say I haven’t cheated once since quitting.

Now while I’m not one of these “I quit smoking and so should you” types of people, I am definitely one that is glad to have broken away from the nasty habit. It’s funny, I do find myself breathing better now compared to when I first quit. Sometimes the smell of smoke actually bothers me and I don’t feel the nicotine fits like I used to. Naturally, if I have a really stressful day I’ll think about running up to the store and breaking down buying a pack. However, I am happy to say I continue to hold strong and remain smoke free. Despite all the stresses of life that have come my way over the past couple years. I quit for myself and I think that’s the only reason I have been able to go this long and continue this smoke free path in my life.

--XOXO, Jane