Thursday, May 31, 2012

My 14 Year Old Self

Flipping through the channels earlier I landed on the Conversation with Amanda de Cadenet. I had never seen the show before, but I must say it definitely caught my attention. One thing that really stood out from the episode was a question she asked each of her guests towards the end. What would you tell your fourteen year old self? I actually found myself sitting there and contemplating an answer to the question as I half-listened to the celebrities answer.

At fourteen, I was in a much different place then I am now. Okay, maybe that’s a natural occurrence given I’m in my late twenties now. However back when I was fourteen I was in the thick of a very depressive state of being. I either hid in my room blare the Spice Girls, Marilyn Manson or some other musical act, whose music I was mildly obsessed with at the time. I secretly hurt myself, because I hated myself. I felt worthless and needless to continue, it just wasn’t a good time in my life. There’s much more I could easily divulge about my past mistakes, trials and errors. I’m on a path of being a much more positive person and more of my depression tales will come in time. It’s just this question that has me thinking today. What would I tell my fourteen year old self?

I’ve been contemplating this pretty much all day. I find myself pausing as I just stare out the big picture window that faces the lake. It’s a gloomy day today, with rain and dark clouds filling the sky. The lake still seems to mesmerize me and yet today it doesn’t distract me. Today I stay focused as I really consider what I would tell my fourteen year old self if I could. My answer… would probably be that it’s okay to love myself. That it’s okay to take a stand and not worry about what others think. That I needed not to hurt myself, in order to learn some of the lessons I have learned. I’m not worthless and it’s not a crime to take the time to learn myself. I should be more brave, but if I have a nervous moment that’s not shameful. I also probably would have counseled myself on my health and told myself not to pick up that first cigarette.

With that said, there is a part of me that wonders if I really would talk to my fourteen year old self given the chance. I am who I am now, because of the things I have gone through. My life was not perfect, but it wasn’t the worst kind of life a girl could have either. I have battled depression and anxiety and it’s not fun to do. I must say again though, more tales of that to come in the future. For now I’m just contemplating would it be worth telling my fourteen year old self all that and maybe more? Or would I miss the opportunity to change my path, so I could still end up the person I am today?

--XOXO, Jane


  1. Good post. Interesting question.

    I don't think any of us who suffered in this way needed to do so to become the people we are now.

    But, here's another question, do you think your teen self would have listened?

    I'd think if nothing else, a little comfort would have been good.

    1. That’s a great follow up question! You know, knowing myself at that age it could have gone either way. I’m going to have to really think about that, because I honestly don’t know if I would have listened given where I was in my own darkly clouded headspace back then.

      A little comfort can go a long way.