Monday, June 18, 2012

Almost Funny

I went through a good portion of my life succumbed into a dark cloud of depression. Okay, maybe that’s a slightly melodramatic way of putting it, but it’s the best I can come up with at the moment to describe it. When you suffer from depression, you really do lose interest in things that you would normally find enjoyment in. All those commercials that state how “depression hurts”, well I can say from firsthand experience that yes, it actually does physically and mentally hurt. I also have suffered from a lot of anxiety issues. Let me assure you, panic attacks are absolutely no fun at all. It’s not at all easy for me to admit that I had and in ways, still have these problems. I’m on a…well; forgive my lack of a better less cliché expression – on a path of wellness now.

No that’s not what I find ‘almost funny’. What I find almost funny is that as I continue on this path, I am learning more about myself. Some things I like and some things I would like to work on to change for the better. I am really taking the time to get to know myself and really actually learn to care about my own well-being. I’m no longer the girl who wanted to just simply disappear into a dark hole of some sort. I’m a woman who is living and breathing. Who is realizing and appreciating the value of her life, including the opportunities that are currently being presented to her. I’m very thankful for the kind of love and support I have around me. I am thankful to now be in a position where I’ve stepped away from that ‘dark cloud’ and am learning to take life one day at a time.

For further clarification on what’s ‘almost funny’ to me in my personal experience here, is that while I re-discover things about myself it’s like I have these little “AHA” types of moments along the way. Like I can see it was the depression and anxiety holding me back from things I wanted to pursue and do. Furthermore it’s like I can just see the world around me a lot more clearly. Now I’m not perfectly cured or anything and I’m still finding I need a little push or nudge here and there. I’m really starting to live my life and learn how to do a lot more for myself that I just couldn’t before. It was like a road block was in my way for a lot of stuff and I just sort of sat back and let life pass me by. Now here I am with a smile on my face and taking life by the horns ready to live it!

Granted, it’s not all kittens and rainbows, sunshine and kisses. It’s not easy overcoming depression and anxiety. I’m lucky to be in a position that I am. I had a moment several months ago where I realized I couldn’t handle it on my own, I had a serious problem and needed help. It’s taken me awhile to believe this, but there really is no shame in seeking help. Sometimes we just can’t handle it ourselves and that’s okay. We’re only human after all. Fortunately for me I was able to find the help I needed. Help that I am so beyond words appreciative for. I’m still working through some things and I know it’ll take time. Sure I do have my frustrated moments where I wish I could just snap my fingers and be all okay now. Again though, I’m only human. I really am learning though. I really am learning to care of myself better, to laugh easier and to not allow myself to fall back into old patterns. I’m really learning to live life and it feels great.

--XOXO, Jane


  1. Jane, I have suffered from this problem for many years myself and I think that the one of the most important factors is admitting that you have a problem, which for me, is the hardest thing that I had to do. I could no longer hide it, stuff it, deny it. I had to face it or it would face me. I don't feel bad anymore if I have to ask for help because I realize that some things are simply out of our control. What I can control, I do. What I can't, I get help for. I am just thankful that there is help out there for ones who struggle with this. Your article moved me in more ways than you know. My faith has helped me to heal also, although I still have good and bad days. More good than bad though. One day depression will be a thing of the past. Thank you for being brave enough to write this encouraging post.

    1. I must say I agree that it is very hard to admit there is a problem Alicia. It was hard enough just admitting it to myself, but felt even harder to admit it to others around me. I am so glad I did though, because again, as cliché as it sounds, I’m on a path to wellness now. My life is improving and I am definitely a happier person. I feel more like myself and not some empty shell of a person. I think it’s important for someone who suffers from this problem to be able to find the strength to ask for help. I know it’s not always easy – heck, I still don’t like asking for help, but like you I’ve learned to control what I can and seek help with what I can’t. Thank you so much for your response Alicia. It means a lot to me to know this was found encouraging for another. It was definitely not easy for me to be this open, but it’s more than worth it to know at least one other person out there gets it.