Monday, May 13, 2013

It's Been A Long Month...

As I gently blow the dust off, while I creep back to
Aunt Pam (May 12, 1957 - April 08, 2013)
[ photo from Jane's Instagram page ]
my blog I feel I need to hang my head low. I did not mean to disappear for so long, but life has been quite… trying over the past month or so. On April 08th of this year I lost my Aunt Pam. She was one of my mom’s baby sisters and she was a woman, who I spent a good portion of my childhood years with. Her death has taken more of an impact on me than I like to admit – publicly or privately. Part of me feels as though I do not deserve to grieve her, as silly as that may seem, while the other part of me is still in shock over her sudden death. It feels so surreal to know that she won’t be calling or that I can’t simply pick up a phone and call her. It haunts me truly that I didn’t take more time to call her over the more recent years. Oh the joys of dealing with guilt when someone we love passes, eh? I feel it though. I do. I admit it.

So upon her sudden death, I had to spend a week with my mom to take care of her. As I said this is one of my mom’s baby sisters. She is the first of my mom or her sisters to pass away. My mom, who has heart issues, was told in person. One of my older brothers broke the news, but it was him, a sister-in-law and I who were right there together for her when she received it. So I called my GED Prep Instructor, and explained to him what happened, as it was I had to rush out of class for this family emergency. He understood the situation and fortunately I was able to stay with my mom through the funeral. We did end up in the Emergency Room and she (my mom) says I saved her life, I just say I wasn’t messing around and giving her the option – she started having problems with her chest, therefore I called 911 to get her help.

The rest of April seems like such a blur now. After the funeral I had come home and sort of found myself going through the motions. Monday through Thursday I just woke up at my usual 7:00am, got ready and headed out to my GED Prep Class. I didn’t study as hard as I had been prior to my aunt’s death. I’m not blaming her for the sudden slow-down, but in time of grief we all tend to get a little spacy with ourselves. And I sure as heck did. I didn’t realize it right away; in fact, it was only towards the end of last week that I realized within myself that I’d been struggling. While I’ve managed to get on my third subject (out of the five) to study for, I find myself still floundering around a little. I’ll get there. I know I will. I do know that mourning a loved one’s death takes time, but I think I’m still floating off in denial to some degree. Not wanting to accept she is no longer with us in this life.

My days have not all been somber however, as I did mention I have been keeping up (for the most part) with my GED Prep Class. I’m currently studying my third topic – and I hope to be going off soon to start taking the actual tests. I am sincerely trying to get myself back in gear and re-prioritize myself again. I actually have a lot going on this week (including giving a speech at a fundraising luncheon), but I will be doing my best to keep up better with my blog from now on.

I thank all of my dedicated visitors/readers and friends for your continuous support of my blog! Your patience and understanding in my down times, goes so far beyond words of appreciation. Thank you all again and I do hope you’ve all had a good month!

--XOXO, Jane

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